Skinny Love

Current Mood Music: Birdy, “Skinny Love”

I grew up with somewhat negative feelings toward carnations. In elementary school we had annual “carnation sales” where you could buy a stem for a $1 and send them anonymously to a fellow classmate, friend or secret admirer. Of course this became a popularity contest of who’s “cool” enough to get the most carnations, or if any 🙄. I remember one year I received maybe two or three carnations from my friends, and a group of the bullies began teasing me and accusing me of buying my own flowers. Because to them I was unworthy. The uncool. How dare I exist in their presence. Kids can be so cruel. Isn’t it awful that even after 30 years later, I’m still saddened by those memories? Oh how I wish I could just give my 8-year-old self a big hug right now, and tell her that it’s gonna be OK. That she’s amazing, smart, beautiful, and worthy of love.

Because I truly have always loved carnations, and I wanted to avenge that sweet little girl (who used to frequently cry in the school bathroom stall during recess because the bullies were so awful to her, and try as she might never wanted them to see her cry), I decided to grow them for the first time this season. I wanted to create new joyous memories to replace the sad ones, and I think I have managed to do just that.

Our first flush of blooms are bringing me such newfound love and appreciation for these beauties. I’ve been including our carnation stems in bouquets I’ve dispatched this past week, and the smiles that they bring to their recipients warm my heart.

I wish that my 8-year-old self could see me now and see how far she’s come. I hope that she’s proud of the woman she’s become. I want her to know that the scars and battle wounds she’s endured all these years have not hardened her heart, but rather they have made her an even more resilient person and an empath whose contentment is brought by bringing others joy. 🤎